Apple in the Toilet
Note: This post is part of the Stories in FB Messenger series. Also, I’m particularly fond of this story because it’s one of my firsts. I told it at GSP a few times and people reacted well to it. Cause and effect: I figured I should tell more stories after that.
Story time
Our school wasn’t super well taken care of.
One day during lunch I had to pee; because it was lunch period, there were a number of other guys in the bathroom and all the urinals were full. So I went into a stall and started peeing. As I was doing so, I started looking at what was going on in the toilet bowl. It was a busy situation.
It hadn’t been flushed in a while. There was tobacco juice because a lot of students secretly dipped, a decent bit of toilet paper, and a lot of urine. Thankfully nobody had taken a dump. But, underneath all of that was 80% of an uneaten apple that someone had casually munched on then tossed in the toilet. You know… as you do.
As I’m processing all of this, I hear a click.
We’ve got automatic toilets. Powerful ones. As soon as the suction starts, the apple immediately gets pulled down the drain until it perfectly stops up the toilet. Simultaneously, a super powerful jet of water comes out as part of the flush. Except, it doesn’t have anywhere to go because the apple has blocked it. Instead of a normal flush, the mix of tobacco juice, urine, and toilet water splash off the apple and form a wall of water that heads directly towards me.
Thankfully, I had just enough time to… open my mouth in shock. My pants are soaked, my shirt is soaked, my hair is wet. There’s piss in my mouth. I stumble out of the stall and everyone stares at me because this wall of water wasn’t confined to the stall. To some degree, it had sprayed the whole bathroom.
The first person to make a noise is Daniel. Because of course Daniel is there. Daniel was a year older than me, one of the captains of the football team, and surprisingly intelligent to boot. None of that would have matter if he wasn’t dating Hannah. Hannah was a cheerleader in my year who, while we had never formally dated, I had a “thing” with for a few years. So, Daniel sorta hated me. Daniel starts dying laughing.
The only thing that’s kinda dry on me is the back of my shirt. The only thing I can think to do is pull it off, and use the back to dry off my face a little. Because Daniel is laughing, all the other guys are laughing too.
Again, I don’t really know what else to do, so I wander out of the bathroom, still with no shirt on, to head to the front office. As soon as I step out, I run into four people. One is a grumpy teacher, who has probably come to see what the noise is about. Hannah is also right there. So are two of the other cutest girls in school. Turns out the cheerleaders have set up a fundraising table outside of the lunch room. They’re all staring wide-eyed.
The grumpy teacher immediately starts in, “What’s going on in there?!”. I haven’t found my words yet and mumble something like, “Uh, there was an apple in the toilet.”. Daniel rolls out of the bathroom still laughing. “And why don’t you have a shirt on?!”, Now I’m a little annoyed because the answer to that question should be obvious. “Because… it’s covered in urine?” The girls are giggling, and the teacher’s still confused, “Well… you need to go to the principle’s office right now!” Fully frustrated at this point, I snap “Yep, that’s where I was headed anyway.”
I make eye contact with Hannah, and wander off down the hall to sit in the front office for an hour before my mom can bring me dry close. They didn’t even let me go home to shower, I had to finish out the rest of the day.